I’ve started and deleted approximately 9 different starts to this post. How can I come up with the right words to describe how I’m feeling?

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past couple of weeks trying to figure out something to say…five years later it doesn’t get any easier. The memories are so vivid sometimes…both the good, happy times…and the not happy times. I sometimes hear the beeps of the machines so clearly, I swear we’re back in the hospital room.

So instead of a long post this year, I’m going to share the following video/slideshow, made up of some of my most favorite pictures, and let them do the talking. Do me a favor, give your loved one a hug from me please.

Dear Lauren,

You would think that the Fifth Christmas without you would have prepared me for the five year anniversary of your passing, but if I’m going to keep my promise and always be honest with you…it didn’t.

Five years! How have you been gone for five years? Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that we were making dinner in our house, making plans for all the dinner parties we were going to throw. Wasn’t it just last week that we toured all of those daycares for baby Evan, even though we both knew we were going to pick the one right by your work so you could go visit him all the time? You’re telling me that I didn’t just propose to you on that beach the other day??

Five years is a long time…so how did it pass by in a flash? How do we have an almost six year old, who in a couple months will be graduating from kindergarten?? Oh, by the way, I hope you don’t mind but Evan wanted to sign up for karate and baseball, so he’ll be starting both of those soon. We’ll soon see who’s athletic abilities he’s inherited 😂

Evan wants to know how excited you were to see Finnegan again! We told him how you’d be there at the other side of the rainbow bridge, waiting for him to get across so you could introduce him to Rusty and show him all the fun things dogs could do in Heaven!

I know you’re busy looking over all of us so I won’t keep you much longer. I just wanted to write to you to say that we love you, we miss you, and thank you for all that you do for us, even to this day.

You’re the bomb.com. I love you, Evan loves you, and we all miss you.

Until next time,

Michael

In 8 days it will December 25th, 2020. Christmas. A time for joy, family (remotely this year), food, and celebration.

For some it is also a time for pain. Pain from the memory of someone they’ve lost, whether recently or in the past. Pain from loneliness, from sorrow, from the missing part of their heart.

For me, it is all of the above.

This Christmas will be fifth Christmas without Lauren. Five years since we were together as a family, opening presents around the tree. Video calling with family out of town, dinner with the family we lived by. Five years since we tucked our baby boy in for the last time together with no worries in the world. Five years since she had to go back to the hospital.

Five days after that Christmas we found out that her cancer was back. Less than two months after that Christmas they told me that there was nothing more they could do, except for making her as comfortable as possible. A month and a half after that she was gone.

This Christmas is the hardest one yet. Evan is asking more questions, about Lauren, about life, about death. Do you know how hard it is to hold it together when your five year old asks “Am I the only person without a mommy?” Or “Are we going to die at the same time daddy? Because I don’t want to be without you too.” I do my best to keep a neutral face as I answer these and other questions but inside it tears me apart.

Sometimes we’ll sit together in my chair, and look at pictures and videos of Lauren. He loves any of the videos where she dances, and when she laughs. The smile on his face when we do this is just so perfect. He has her smile and eyes for sure.

Fuck I miss her.
The puzzle that makes up my heart will forever be missing a piece.

Lauren,
The other day I was in the kitchen, getting ready to yell at Evan for not listening, for being stubborn, for talking back (he definitely gets that from both of us) when I looked outside and saw the cardinal, just sitting in the driveway looking at the house. Instantly I calmed down, and called for Evan to come to me so I could show him. I told him that it had to be from you, coming to remind us that you’re still with us. He got a huge smile on his face, and exclaimed “She sends me butterflies AND birds?!?”

I’m doing the best that I can, and hopefully doing it the way you would have wanted me too if you were here. He’s such a good boy, even when he’s being stubborn. He knows how to get people wrapped around his finger too 🙂

We’ve got a great support system in place, both in person and remotely. He loves talking to Gigi and Aunt Krissy on his iPad, and can’t wait to be able to travel down to Florida to see them in person again.
I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas already! We got a new tree this year, this one has room under the tree for presents, and you know we had to put a train around it! Evan picked it out because it can change from all white to color lights, and it has 9 different “scenes”! His favorite is the fast blink between color and white, but he knows I don’t like it so he puts the slow fade on for me.

We did some rearranging in the house too! The back room that was the dining room is now a “den”, with a new coat of paint and even a fake fireplace! It would have been a perfect place to watch impractical jokers and play your drinking game.

I’m actually drinking a vodka Arnold Palmer out of your favorite glass as I write this! You know the one, the faded Newcastle glass that you took from Lindsay! Haha…it’s the perfect size!

I hope I make you proud. I hope you know how much I miss you. How much we miss you. Even as I slowly move on five years later, my heart will always be missing the piece that is forever yours.

There I go, rambling again. Thank you for watching over us.

I love you, always and forever. You are the bomb dot com.
-Michael

“Who’d You Be Today” Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin’ in the rain
I still can’t believe you’re gone
It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowin’, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowin’, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
Today. Today. Today.
Today. Today. Today.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I’ll see you again someday
Someday, someday

Dear Lauren,

I can’t believe that two years have past since you left us here. Not a day goes by where you aren’t thought of, missed, and loved. While your body may have failed you, your spirit will live on forever.

Two years. A lot has happened in the time, so let me fill you in!

Evan is doing amazing. He is getting sooooo big! He loves talking, running, climbing, jumping…basically all your typical toddler boy things. One thing sets him apart though…he has a combination of both of our stubbornness!! When this kid makes up his mind on something he wants or somewhere he wants to go it is almost impossible to get him change his mind again!

He lovessss TV like we do. His current favorite shows are PJ Masks, Mickey Mouse, Puppy Dog Pals, and Vampira. No drinking games yet…I figured I’d wait a few more years before teaching him our favorite games. He’s a big movie fan as well. Remember how excited we were that we were having a kid after the Frozen craze? Welllllllll….as I type this he is laying next to me watching Frozen for the 2134 time. Hahaha. He also loves when I play the music in the car so he can sing along! He also loves The Minion Movie, Moana, and Boss Baby!

Don’t worry…I’m not letting a screen raise our kid. He knows his ABCs, he can count to 17, and he knows his shapes and colors! We have one smart kid. He loves drawing, coloring, and practicing writing the letter “E” for Evan!

On the sports side of things, he has started swim lessons, had some soccer classes, and for Easter he got a T-Ball set! So as soon as it officially warms up in Michigan (they JUST got an ice storm again. In the middle of April) we’ll be practicing some hitting and playing catch!! Hopefully he’ll be better at athletics than I was!!

We’re going to Disney World for his third birthday! While mid June isn’t the best time to visit Orlando,  I know he’ll love it! My parents are coming as well, and so is Emily!! We rented a condo outside Disney…gotta be smart with our money!

Speaking of third birthdays…this Friday I am registering Evan for preschool!!! Can you believe it?!? Our baby boy is about to start school. I think you’d really like the school I picked out. They have an amazing program, before/after school care, and it’s close to my parents, so when I’m out of town it’s easy for them to drop him off and pick him up.

As far as I go, I’m doing pretty alright! I’ve been working a lot, traveling too much (but that is slowing down thankfully) Whenever I travel somewhere I bring Evan home a magnet with the name of the city on it. His favorite so far is Houston, because it has a rocket on it!!!

The plus side of the traveling is Evan and I get to go on cheap/free vacations!! We visited Georgia recently to visit family there, and I’m working on planning a New York trip in the near future as well!

Dating wise…it’s been hit or miss. I’m not really super looking for someone, but if it happens, it happens! Last year I dated an amazing person, but I screwed that up. I let my fears get the best of me and ruined it. Since then, I haven’t really gone out with anyone. I just haven’t clicked with anyone, ya know?

I haven’t seen our friends as much as I’d like, but that’s what happens when I travel so much. Hopefully with my lighter travel schedule coming up I can reconnect with everyone. Also the weather hasn’t been all that great for outdoor playdates! I do miss that about Florida…almost any day is an outdoor play day there!

Well, I’m starting to ramble so I’ll let you go. I bet you have a huge party planned for today!! Evan and I miss you so so much, but we’re happy you’re watching over us. We love you to the moon and back! You are the bomb dot com!

Love Always,

Michael

“There are only two things: love, all sorts of love, with pretty girls, and the music of New Orleans or Duke Ellington. Everything else ought to go, because everything else is ugly. ” – Boris Vian, Renaissance Man

Lauren and I both loved New Orleans. We each had our own reasons for the love, but it was a love we shared. We loved the city so much we were actually going to get married there!

We figured with our shared love of the city, and the fact that both her friends and family and my friends and family would have to travel, it would be a perfect place! We had all the plans laid out.

Thursday: The core group arrives in the city for the dress rehearsal and dinner. Perhaps after dinner we would go to a venue and catch a show…most likely we’d head to Frenchmen and bar hop.

Friday: Everyone starts to arrive. During the day we’d go on family friendly organized activities; check out the beautiful sites and sounds that New Orleans holds. At night…at night would definitely not have been family friendly. We found a balcony on Bourbon Street that we were going to rent out that had an open bar and included 100 sets of beads to start you off on the right foot with the people below.

Saturday: The day of the wedding. Because we know our friends and family, our ceremony wasn’t going to start until late afternoon, giving everyone plenty of time to take care of their hangovers before having to get ready. Our ceremony site was to be the beautiful courtyard at Hotel Mazarin, followed by a reception at their hall. Andre “Dre” Lovett was set to play her down the aisle, and maybe even more at the reception. The only thing we hadn’t decided fully on was if we were going to have a “Second line” parade or not. Lauren really wanted us to lead the parade with the fancy umbrellas, so chances are we would have had it.

We both loved the city. We both loved the people. We both loved the music, the sites, the food. We both loved the city so much we were going to get married there. We both loved the city so much we were going to get married there on February 18th, 2017.

This Saturday, I will be going out to celebrate Lauren and I on our planned day of marriage. If you are in Michigan and would like to join, I’ll probably be going to my sister’s bar.

As this time of year is going to be rough on me, I’m probably going to be more withdrawn for awhile. Please don’t be offended if I don’t respond to you, if I don’t post for awhile, or if I disappear. When I can, I will write. When I can, I will call.

I love you all, and if I could, I’d give you all a hug.

It’s funny how music can control our lives. We can be walking along, minding our own business without a care in the world when suddenly a song comes on that just makes you stop everything you’re doing.

A song can have the power to make you think, it can the power to transport your mind to a different time, a different place, a different memory. Some songs can make you cry, some can make you laugh, and if you’re lucky, they can make you think about someone who love.

As you can imagine, a lot of songs remind me of Lauren. Love songs, happy songs, rap songs, you name it. One song in particular though brings back a great memory…I’ll let the words of the artist put you in mood before I go into more detail…

Ah-yo
I sit back, with this pack, of zigzags
And this bag, of this weed ,
It gives me, the shit needed to be, the most meanest M-C on this
On this earth ’cause since birth I’ve been cursed with this curse to just curse
And just blurt this berserk and bizarre shit that works
And it sells and it helps in its self to relieve
All this tension dispensing me, sentence is getting it,
The stress has been eating me, recently
Off of this chest and I rest to get peacefully
But at least have the decency in you to leave me alone
When you freaks see me out in the streets,
When I’m eating or feedin’ my daughter to not come and speak to me
I don’t know you and no I don’t owe you a motherfuck anything
I’m not Mr. ‘N Sync and I’m not what your friends think
I’m not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick, if you tempt me my tank is on empty
No patience is in me and if you offend me I’m lifting you ten feet
In the air, I don’t care who was there and who saw me destroy you
Go call you a lawyer,
File you a lawsuit, I’ll smile in the courtroom and buy you a wardrobe
I’m tired of all you,
I don’t mean to be mean but it’s all I can be, It’s just me

And I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn’t, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
Radio won’t even play my jam
‘Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn’t, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
I don’t know it’s just the way I am

You read that correctly…The Way I Am by Eminem teleports me in time to a great memory of Lauren.

Back in the fall of 2014,  Tuesday night’s were reserved for girl’s night. Lauren and her group of ladies would start the night off with some “adult trivia”  before heading to Wine Dive for some more drinks and dancing, with a final stop usually at Duffy’s for food.

Armed with the knowledge of her schedule and the fact that Lauren might be inviting me to join them this particular week so I could meet some of her friends, I convinced my buddy Chris who was also in Florida for work to go bar hopping with me while we waited to hear from her.

Being new to South Florida I didn’t realize how many Duffy’s Sports Bars there were in the area. I Googled what I thought would be the one they would be by and Chris and I headed out. We get to Duffy’s, order some beers and proceed to shoot the shit to kill time. I checked my phone and realize that it’s almost 11pm, we both had to work at 7am the next day, and we haven’t heard from her so we decide to call it a night. As we get into his car, Lauren calls me!! She tells me that they were just now heading to Wine Dive, and that she hoped I could still make it to meet her friends. I look at Chris, he shakes his head no. I look at him again, he shakes his head no once more. I look at him a third time, he sighs, and asks for the address of the bar.

I hang up with Lauren and look up Wine Dive on Google Maps, figuring it should only be a few minutes away….IT WAS 30 MINUTES FROM WHERE WE WERE. Somehow I brought us to the completely wrong Duffy’s! (Give me a break, it was before I officially lived there and I hadn’t been to downtown West Palm Beach yet.) Chris turned to me and asked me “Is she worth it? Is she worth the lack of sleep for both you AND me?” I looked him dead in the eyes and said “Fuck yeah she is.”

I pressed “start” on Google Maps and we were on our way to Downtown West Palm beach. We arrive at the bar close to midnight, which meant one thing on a Tuesday night in WPB… a street parking spot right across from the bar!! (At least I didn’t have to make Chris walk a long distance to get into the bar!) I sent Lauren a text that we were there and she came out to meet us.

Once inside the Wine Dive, Lauren brought me around to introduce me to her friends that were there. I met several people that night, most of which I probably never saw again, or if I did, I don’t remember their names. I did meet two very important people that night…two people that I had to get to like me otherwise my relationship with Lauren was doomed: Her roommate Lindsay and her partner-in-crime, the second Lauren S. I’ll never forget two things Lindsay did that night:

1. She discovered that she could make a straw completely disappear into my beard.
2. She overheard someone talking about me that called me “Tinder Mike” and told that person “hey, don’t call him that! Lauren actually likes this one.” I don’t know if she knows I heard her say that

At this point I’m feeling pretty bad for keeping Chris out. I bought him a drink to make up for it a bit, but I realized I should probably say goodbye and head back to the hotel.

“But Michael! How can you be heading back to the hotel?? You haven’t gotten to the why the song is so important!”

Don’t worry loyal reader, I didn’t forget about that. As I get ready to say my goodbyes, Lauren and Lindsay invite us back to their place with some other people to continue the party. There was no way that I could agree to that, I couldn’t keep Chris out even later! Then Lauren asked if we could at least drive her home, because she was too drunk to drive her car.

I don’t remember the logistics of somehow her car getting home with Lindsay but Lauren still drove with Chris and I….but somehow it happened. I am extremely glad it did, because it set up what has become the whole point of this post: The Rap Battle.

Picture this:

Chris is driving us in his Jeep rental car. Lauren and I are both in the backseat, because why not. Chris is flipping through radio stations when we here the familiar “Whatever” followed by the bells. Lauren and I both yell “leave it!” looked at each other, and laughed.
As soon as Eminem began rapping, so did Lauren and I.

We looked each other in the eyes while spitting the lyrics out with a flow that probably rivaled Eminem himself. It seemed like either one of us was going to give in….until she tickled me and made me laugh! It wasn’t fair!!!!!!!

So now anytime I hear Eminem I am reminded of that fun night with Lauren.

Some days life seems to be easier, most days it’s just as hard as the first day. I am forever thankful for all of my family and friends that have been helping out with everything. Don’t be afraid to randomly reach out and ask to hang out. Even if we just watch TV or go to a park, any contact with people is welcomed. I love you all! I’ll try not to take a few months before my next post.

In a perfect world, we’d both be at work right now.

In a perfect world, I’d be putting the finishing touches on your birthday surprise.

In a perfect world, two days from now, I’d wake up early and sneak out of bed. I’d go into Evan’s room, and wake him up. We’d go downstairs, and as quietly as possible with a 17 month old we’d make you breakfast.

In a perfect world, you’d wake up to the noise and smile to yourself. You’d listen to us cook while trying to hold in your laughter.

In a perfect world, you’d pretend to be asleep when we walk back into our room with a tray loaded with your favorite breakfast food.

In a perfect world, you’d jump up with joy and surprise and invite us to join you in bed to eat with you.

In a perfect world, the three of us would cuddle in bed and attempt to eat breakfast without making a mess while watching the Today Show…again, not an easy task with a 17 month old.

In a perfect world, we would hear your laughter, see your smile, feel your hugs, and touch your love.

In a perfect world, you’d still be here.

But we don’t live in a perfect world. No matter how much we want to.

Evan and I are flying down to Florida in two days, on what would have been Lauren’s 30th birthday. We will be spending the afternoon with her, not the way we wanted, but the only way we can. Later that evening, a large group of friends and family will be going out to dinner at one of Lauren’s favorite restaurants, BRIO. We will have an amazing time, sharing memories, telling stories, and making new memories to last a lifetime.

Hopefully I’ll feel up to writing more memories for you all to read soon. I have several in mind that I’d like to share, but it’s been getting hard to write lately. As the holiday season nears, I’ve been finding it harder to motivate myself to do much of anything, but I am trying. Please be patient with me.

I do have one thing to ask of you all. Please, please take a moment to tell your love ones that you love them. Please tell them that you care. Please tell that that you are there for them no matter what. I’m sure you already do, but please do it one extra time for me. I’d give anything to be able to tell Lauren one more time and hear her response.

Now, to give everyone a smile, here’s a couple of photos from our Christmas Card photoshoot!

Thank you for reading, I hope to write more for you soon!

I ate a fried egg sandwich today.

No big deal to most people right? Well, it was a huge deal to me.

Lauren made the best fried egg sandwiches I’ve ever had. She knew how to cook the eggs perfectly, and she had the perfect mix of spices/herbs/mayo that made it taste like you were taking a bite of heaven.

I remember one morning she woke up before me and went downstairs. A little while later the smells of her cooking woke me up. I excitedly hopped out of bed and started to go downstairs when she yelled up at me to stay in bed. I tried to protest but she wasn’t having it! Defeated, I went back into our room and got back into bed. A few minutes later, she entered the room with a cookie sheet (we didn’t have any trays) and on the cookie sheet was two plates, each with one of her infamous egg sandwiches!! We laid in bed, ate our sandwiches, and talked about our future with “Fig”.

Lauren thinking about throwing me overboard while on our cruise

 Sometimes I wonder what we would have planned if we knew what was coming. Would we have gone on more adventures? Would we have quit our jobs and traveled the world like we planned on doing eventually? Would we have fought differently? These kind of thoughts enter my head a lot. Sometimes they make me happy as I imagine a different ending to that chapter in our life. Sometimes…most times…it makes me sad. The “what if” and “would we” thoughts are very dangerous, and once they start it is super hard to stop them.

Baby steps. Let me get back on track here. I ate an egg sandwich today. The first such sandwich I’ve had since she has passed. It was one of those things that reminded me of her and made me break down uncontrollably. But today, today I ate one. And I didn’t break down. I didn’t cry. I smiled, and I let the memories come flooding in. Baby steps. The sandwich itself? Meh. I never got her to give me her secret combo of ingredients that she used to make them so special. And you know what? That’s okay. Because I have the memories of them, and that is good enough. Baby steps.

Evan and Lauren at Thanksgiving Dinner 2015

 I’m back on a few of the dating websites/apps. Not to try to find someone new, not to try to hookup with someone, but to talk to people. I miss having that person to talk to, about my day, about my life, about things I want to do. I miss having someone to encourage me, to give me advice on my random goals or my newest ideas. I miss having someone to talk me into…or out of…doing things.

I’ve also joined a grief support group. It meets every Wednesday at a church near my house. I’m the youngest person in it at 32. I’m also the one with the most recent loss. One of my good friends told me “That’s good! Being the youngest means you have so much more wisdom to seek from the others.” He’s right of course…but I still wish I didn’t have to seek wisdom on grief at all.

Lauren concentrating while she feeds Evan oatmeal

How am I doing? I am….okay. I am very thankful for my family and all the assistance they are giving me and Evan. I am very thankful for my friends, most of which are also family at this point, for all of their love and support. It’s a lot harder to get some people to hang out than I thought it would be, but that’s probably because they don’t know how to handle me. Like normal is the best way, in my opinion.

Every day is a baby step forward. Not an Evan baby step, because he runs. But a Billy Murray in ‘What about Bob’ baby step.

Thanks for reading!

Until next time,

Michael

The camera pans across a large living room. A sofa, love seat, and recliner are shown, but they are unused. A group of people are sitting around the coffee table, apparently playing a card game. The camera pans through their faces, revealing them to be Michael, Chelsea, Brian, Caitlin, and Lauren. They appear to be playing Go Fish. Caitlin says something and Lauren throws her head back in laughter, Michael and Brian look at each other and shake their heads in amusement. Chelsea replies, resulting in laughter from everyone. Lauren looks at Michael and smiles, opens her mouth to say something when suddenly the wall busts open and DJ Kool and crew enter the room and start to perform “Let me Clear my Throat”

When I dream, my dreams tend to be in sitcom form, probably because of all of the binge watching I do.The other night was no exception. Two nights ago was the first time that Lauren actually came to me in my dreams, and she came to me with some of the people closest to me. While I didn’t get to hear her voice (damn you DJ Kool) seeing her smile in my dream was like seeing it in real life again. Seeing her interact with my friends, even briefly, made me so happy. It made me feel that she approved of my decisions of moving back to Michigan, and interacting with who I’m interacting with.

Four months ago today we said goodbye to one of the most beautiful, kindest, amazing person to walk this Earth. I constantly re-live the last four days she was here. I constantly think about the way too short of time we’ve had together. I fight off the “what if’s” on a daily basis.

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

-“Gone Away” by The Offspring

Telling his mom stories

I had the opportunity to take Evan with me to South Florida this past weekend on a work trip. We visited Lauren several times, and each time Evan talked and told her stories. I told him stories about his wonderful mother as well. We got to spend time with our Florida family, and visit with most of our Florida friends. Evan had an amazing time. For me, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Driving to areas that we drove to together, going to places that we went to together, drinking and dancing with people I wouldn’t know without her. It seems to be getting harder just as much as it is getting easier.

I miss having someone to talk to at night. Someone to hold close. Someone to lay with and watch TV with, play drinking games with, to sleep next to at night. Maybe I need to hire one of those cuddle buddies for hire for a bit. haha.

One of the places we took Evan this past weekend was the Palm Beach Zoo. Lauren and I went there several times, each time was a blast! One of my favorite times was when we went at night and attended the Brew2 At the Zoo. We ended up meeting up with Sam and Derek, who also happened to have tickets. It was a great night of beer sampling and friends hanging out. Lauren wasn’t the biggest beer drinker, but she was that night!! Not many animals were out and active, but the ones that were knew how to party!! We were smart and took a Lyft there so we could possibly go out somewhere else later…but we didn’t factor in how exhausted we’d be…this was one of first nights out after having Evan!

At the Palm Beach Zoo for Brew2 At the Zoo

Evan and I…we’re hanging in there. Thank you all for your love and support. I don’t know where we’d be without you. Until next time, I leave you with this video of Lauren dancing!

Lauren and Lindsay dancing

Dear Lauren,

Hi Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo! I miss you so much. I can’t believe it’s been a month since you’ve left us. Not day, hour, or even minute goes by where I don’t think about you. Whether it’s looking into Evan’s eyes, looking around the house full of stuff we purchased together,  listening to music, or even just a beautiful blue sky there are millions of things that make me think of you.

I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to throw random pictures randomly into my letter to you. You know how much I love looking at us!

The other day I channeled my inner “you.” While driving home from visiting you at the cemetery, I blasted my “Hip Hop BBQ” Pandora station. As I proudly displayed my semi-awesome (but nowhere near as awesome as yours) rap skills, a fun memory popped into my head. Do you remember when we were driving up to Jacksonville last year for Memorial Weekend and we were blasting rap music? Then you realized that we were saying all the bad words, which we shouldn’t be because “Fig” was always listening to us while he was in your belly and we had to be good influences. So you decided to continue to listen to the rap, but to self-sensor everything. Those were the funniest rap lyrics I’ve ever heard.

That memory popping in my head while I was driving home made me laugh while rapping, then it made me sad. I hope you were looking down laughing at me as I probably became the only person in history to rap:

“3, 6, 9 damn you’re fine move it to you sing it to me one mo time
Get low, get low [6x]
To the window (to the window), to the wall (to the wall)

while crying.

I miss you so much. Every time I close my eye I re-live our last few months together. Our cruise, our first Christmas, our New Year’s Eve in the hospital, the laughs and smiles we shared even when times were tough. Seeing your smile every time Evan was brought to you was amazing. I think the hardest thing to re-live is our last few days together. I am so thankful that we got to say “I love you” to each other one last time before you fell asleep. I am so thankful that I was holding your hand for your last squeeze before you left us here. I will cherish that moment forever, no matter how much it hurts to re-live it.

I miss you, but I am so happy that you are no longer in pain. I miss you, but I am so happy that you are up in Heaven, watching over Evan and everyone else. A lot of people tell me how they feel you everyday. The Girls sense you a lot, they love it when it seems like you’ve taken over a DJ at a club and control the music for them!

You touched so many people in your way too short of time on earth, even some that you’ve never met!  I’ve asked everyone to email some of their favorite stories with you to the email address that we set up for Evan. As he gets older I’ll read some to him, and when he’s old enough I’ll turn the email address over to him so he can learn more about you himself!

I made you a promise that I will raise him to the best of my abilities, and I will live up to to that promise. I promised you that he would know you, as well as he possibly can, and I will live up to that promise. I know you didn’t want him to grow up without his mother and in a way, he won’t. We have so many people who cannot wait to tell him all about how amazingly awesome you are. You will always be a part of his life. Of my life. Of Our life.

I started packing today. I know I already told you about the move back to Michigan. I know we were planning on moving there next year, but it’s going to be easier on Evan and I if we move sooner. Evan will have all of his baby friends, and I’ll have my close friends to sit around the fire with. Plus it is wayyyyy cheaper to live in Michigan than Florida! Don’t worry boo boo, we’ll come visit all the time!

I’m so happy that you convinced me to buy that camcorder. While we only used it a few times, I have those videos that I can show to Evan so he can see you interacting with him as a baby! I was watching them all the other day. This is one of my favorites, do you remember this day??

Anywho, I won’t keep you much longer. I know you have to get back to showing Tupac and Biggie how to rap and twerk. I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it a million more: I love you so much, and I miss you. Thank you for the happiness you brought to me. The laughter you gave me. The miracle of Evan. Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Love Always,

Michael “Boo Boo Boo”

I was lucky enough to have Lauren as a date for two weddings in Michigan. (I also crashed a wedding that she was at in Florida, but that’s a different story.) Part of me felt a little bad for her, because both weddings I stood up in, which means she sat alone.

The first wedding was in November 2014. It took a lot of convincing (mainly on how to make it work without her missing any time at work), but after asking her a few different times, she decided to go with me. It was one of the coldest Novembers that I can remember. I suppose that could be all in my head, seeing as the past 5 months had been spent in Florida and Louisiana, but it was still freezing. I felt so bad for Lauren! I picked her up from the airport around midnight, as she took the last plane out after work that day. We took the scenic route to our hotel, so she could see 8 mile. She wanted to take pictures of the street sign to send it to some of her friends.

The next morning was the wedding. We woke up a bit early, so I could bring her to National Coney Island so that she could experience the deliciousness that I had told her about before. After breakfast we headed back to the hotel so I could complete my groomsman duties and she could get ready.

A few days before the wedding I warned her that she was going to meet my family while in Michigan. What I didn’t realize until the night of the wedding reception is that she was going to sit at the same table as them. Lauren was a champ though! She held her own during the questioning stage from my mother. I had told my sister Emily to shut it down if it started getting too crazy. I also used any excuse I could think of to go visit the table.

That night was full of laughter, dancing, drinking, and eating. It was amazing. The next morning was not as amazing. We flew back down to Florida the next working, with our flight departing at 6:00am. That my friends was not fun, not fun at all.

HOWEVER! When we landed back in Florida, it was officially Lauren’s birthday celebration. I’ll go into that detail another time.

After we landed back in Florida. Smiles for our excitement for the birthday celebrations to come!

The second wedding was in July 2015. Just over a month after Evan was born we took our first family flight up to Michigan. By then everyone either knew Lauren from the first wedding, or just from the stories I posted online. Everyone was so excited to see her and Evan.

Once again I was standing up in the wedding. This time around Lauren was sat with friends, so I didn’t have to worry about running interference as much. We brought Evan to the reception for the first hour, then sent him home with my parents so Lauren and I could play! We got our drink on, our dance on, and our photo booth on! The entire time she had a smile on her face. You would never know that she was just in the hospital three weeks before then!

Lauren had the most contagious smile around. It was impossible to be mad around her. It was impossible to be mad at her! It wasn’t fair, it caused me to lose all of the few arguments we every had.

Evan has her smile, her eyes, and her laughter. Hopefully he’ll also have her dance skills, because he doesn’t want mine. Everyday I look at him and see her at the same time. That’s the only thing keeping me going right now. I know it’ll get better eventually. I’m nowhere near that though. I’m currently at the stage where every time I close my eyes I re-live the last 6 months and ask “what could I have done differently?”

Thank you all again for everything. I love you all. If I could, I’d visit you all and give you a hug and a high five.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Evan and I will go spend some time with her at the cemetery, then probably go for a nice walk. I’ll tell him some stories, then show him the video below of the two of them laughing up a storm back in January.